'Helplessness Blues'

Note To Self

We are told at a young age that 'we can be anything we want to be'. Whether it's by our loving parents, our teachers, our role models we try to imitate or underlying messages from the animated films we watched.

School was an odd bag for me. If you look at my track record of grades and menial achievements, positions and titles within my school life alike. On paper, it seems somewhat fruitful and prestigious. But the actual semantics behind the words and numbers are far from it.

I learnt very early that school was something you had to make of it yourself. I was a weird child. I still kind of am, well, I like to think that I am anyway. Frankly, I had always wanted to be different and shine out from the rest, narcissism, perhaps. Or just a defining trait which can be felt both a blessing and a curse.

An obsession of mine was always finding a purpose and never wanting to fail. I always worried about silly little problems in my silly adolescent life with the overwhelming pressure of society, academia, family life and where textbooks and lessons can't teach us how to handle it all. Then when you open too much wider and seemingly more 'impactful' aspects of life like worldly issues, politics and devastating news stories. It takes all your inhibition into perspectives.

I'm not competitive with other people, but I'm competitive with myself. It destroys me if I can't manage to succeed my envisions up to the standard of my own depiction of my expectations. I hated being just fine. I wanted to be more, always, be more than who I am. I didn't want to be just satisfactory or a 'good job'. I have an obsession with always pushing myself to be amazing, innovative and complete. Perfection. An inhibition of course, but a motive of mine which can be argued to be very unachievable these days.

I spent a long time lost in not realising who I really was and constantly assassinated my character because I felt it wasn't good enough. I feel like I had nothing to live for, yet had everything to live with. I am my worst critic; I’m never too pleased or too proud of myself. I had hated myself for what I had achieved, and hated myself more for what I hadn't.

I felt helpless in my ability to do so much more, in a world where that I take the simplest of things for granted. I wish I could blame my failures and faults on something. The disenchanted desirability of something to fall back on like a mental illness or disorder which is painted by movies and stories as some sort of luxury but when you're here, living it. Breathing it every day, the sadness, helpless and sleeplessness blues as you drag your way through every day in a forced smile and upbeat attitude to hide your 'weakness' in having any other emotion that didn't seem right. Yet, I can say that being embellished with the pleasure of never being born with it or fully experiencing it.

I lust to push through my limits and whatever I produce, whether it's in my work or creation - I want it to be the best. Which again is ambition. I'm not an all-knowing prodigy, and I fail a lot. I don't see that being all these things are in a narcissistic way as trying to do the best you can is more of duty to yourself than a privilege.

Family experiences vary among each. You can probably understand it better yourself as you know them most. A lot of people can agree, parents can be annoying af. But only a selected few will have an idea of what its like to have an Asian parent. With tedious lectures and out of date illiberal views in addition to a tonne of pressure to do well in order to 'bring honour to your family'.

However, I feel an enormous guilt that I even have the audacity to complain about my parents. That I have the luxury to be lucky enough to complain about having two amazing parents for loving me too much. That I am graced with the normality of having parents that care for me so much that they have never lost faith in me where I have lost faith in myself.

I used to scrutinise my parents for being so stern and harsh, but in reality, their teachings and belief are like no other. That's where our stories of our teenage years differ. I can't possibly empathise with so much beyond me and the state of others. I can only find myself grateful for what I have. I can only hope that I've done all that I can to make while of the insane opportunity I was given.

If you’ve met me, I’m not the first to shoot pessimistic views. I would like to think I’m not anyway. I've certainly become conflicted in myself and not very sure of what I want or want to do. It’s very common for teenagers to feel overly frustrated and overwhelmed and we forget that we're all like this. I wouldn't say I'm unique for wanting to push myself. The time in our lives as the bridge between teenage youthfulness and adulthood start to break; It is important for all of us, to know that we've chosen the right decisions.

I’m no stranger to hope. It can be wonderfully dangerous though it is hard to differentiate between hope and foolishness. Sometimes when people ask you how you feel, and as accordance, to British conduct follows you'll answer "I'm fine". Perhaps out of laziness or not particularly interested in pursuing the conversation or most likely you won't feel particularly happy nor exceptionally sad. I felt grateful for who I am but despised myself and my failures and inability to do anything about it. I'd feel lost.

Perhaps that's ok. I knew that I would get there. I knew that I’m under situational factors where right now I just simply can’t seem to pop the bubble. I knew it wouldn't last forever. I knew that right now, this is just a small chasm in your life, and you shouldn't worry because 'the future is brighter and bigger...' right?

However, I know these words are as empty as the hope within yourself at times. Because I'm not here to sprinkle some fairy dust and act all euphoric just to say that everything will be fine and dandy. Your issues are still valid, don't ever let anyone tell you they aren't. It's just how you react and evolve from it is what defines you. In this moment and in this time, in this bubble itself and under your present circumstances, I know that you will feel constant helplessness to the people around you and mainly yourself. I can only ask you to believe in yourself as much as you can and know that you're not ever truly alone.

So when you're told that you could be 'anything you want to be',

That "Anyone can cook?" That “Adventure is out there!” That “There is no secret ingredient!”

That as we students start to enter the dark and scary world, where the Disney-like perfection of reality begins to fade away and our expectations and connotations of what the world is starting to change, possibly for the better, or the worst.

But I loved my education years as I only can depict the loving memories of friends and happiness. The days of taking the train to parks and recreation to enjoy the company of people like me under the same invisible bubble but when we're together, there is nothing more important than friendships. I remember distinct soundtracks and playlists that kept me sane as I found comfort in cups of tea and window sill sunset viewing. (Because I'm so edgy) With night time movies which helped me escape from reality for a while.

School years are a time of abundant of opportunities tainted with the shroud of expectations.

Yet can be a time of friendship and love, with unimaginable and limitless joy and happiness.

In the end, does it really matter? These little pockets of internal damnation. Should we just not enjoy the momentary sentimentality of everyday situations and even be suffice with just a 'that's fine' or a 'good job'... or admit to beating your expectations and reach “To infinity … and beyond!”.

#Personal #Life #NoteToSelf #Family #LiemDoan #InsertTagline